Snarking with Vampires
by kendricked
Summary: About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Forks was a teenage Transylvania fiasco of a town. Second, I was going to be the most badass DJ around, and this craphole wasn't going to take a bite out of my dreams. And third, my sister Bella was unconditionally and irrevocably a dumbass. (My love for Asshole!Beca suddenly put her in Twilight universe solely for my amusement).


**A/N: There's really no point to this other than having too much fun with snarky Beca. Many thanks to Mary for being the wonderful magical beta that she is!**

I always told Bella that she was the least favorite kid. I was first, so awesome and so very obviously a musical prodigy that I was a tough act to follow. In fact I was so great that our parents wanted to use my name twice but they realized right away that she wouldn't live up to it. It was a close call; but just in time they gave my name a slight modification. And thus my little sister was dubbed Bella.

She never believed me when I told her all that. Always scoffed at the story. But I know the real deal. And she scoffs at everything anyway. So whatever.

And the story I'm about to tell you? It only confirms that I was so fucking right.

It all started at FU. Wow, I'm sorry that was rude. Forks University. A college where its abbreviation really told you its true feelings towards its student body. Welcoming.

Maybe I should back it up. Tell you the sob story? Nah. I'm not breaking out the Kleenex for you even though I guess I am taking a page out of Pixar's book and throwing the family tragedy at you right away. So I'll just give you the Sparknotes edition. Our parents split way back when in a galaxy far far away and our mom decided to go see the world without us and went with her boyfriend Jack instead, which ironically still left me with Jack. Jack shit. I was supposed to go to LA after high school, toss out a few tracks, become famous, get bitches, be a gangsta and then rule the world. In whatever order. I had no preference. But no, mom saying hasta la vista meant that Bella and I were being shipped off to some god-forsaken town named after silverware. Because you know what's noteworthy and noble enough to be used as a town name? Forks. So majestic. Enabling us to eat in a civilized, proper manner. Oh the fork. Inspiring to all. And we get a one way flight to this place 'cuz dad teaches there at the college. The college that Bella and I are forced to attend. Ah, free will, you taste so sweet.

So yeah that's pretty much it, mom ditching us and dropping us off in Cutlery City with our dad that we haven't seen in approximately forever. Stellar. And Bella's been a whiny little shit and it's making the process even more annoying for everybody. Hey, I'm a whiny little shit but at least I keep it to myself because I know vocalizing won't change things. I just close my eyes and turn up the volume of my iPod and drown out the stupid.

And that's what I'm doing right now, as Bella's sitting in the back of the car, overdramatically sighing as she stares angstily (is that a word? Whatever it should be since it's a permanent adverb of her life) out the window as if she has a personal vendetta against the trees surrounding the sides of the road. Damn them for giving us oxygen to breathe. Those photosynthetic bitches.

I glance at the time on my phone. Another ten minutes and we'll have reached our destination. Mom says it won't be that bad, that we're both overreacting and that it'll be a good experience to sink our teeth into. Whatever that means. She said there's a music program and I guess at least there's that. Maybe it will be good to say I've formally received a musical education even though I've taught myself everything there is to know. Bella has no idea what she wants to do yet and I don't think Forks has an official Lifelong Teenage Angst (LTA) degree yet. But I do know if there was it'd be BS. Bachelor of Science, I mean. What else would it stand for?

Mom shifts uncomfortably in the driver's seat. I suppose it'd be awkward sitting this long in silence with two antisocial lumps that are your children. She tried to make conversation earlier on and when my responses were brief and Bella just grunted or sighed loudly, she gave up. I guess if I was a sympathetic human being who didn't shut down like Fort Knox after a childhood divorce experience then I'd probably feel bad and guilty about being unresponsive. But I'm not and I don't and that's that.

Before I know it the car is pulling into a dirt driveway (I never understood the driveway/parkway thing seriously what kind of asshole thought that would be funny? It's not; it's just dumb. The guy probably eats jumbo shrimp for every meal, the asshat.) and Mom gets out of the car. I pull my headphones off and hang them on my neck, making all of my joints crack as I stiffly get out of the car to help her with our stuff.

I pull one of my suitcases out of the trunk, cursing its weight as I sling a backpack over my shoulder. I wheel the suitcase around the car and pause to see Bella sitting in the car in a daze, looking as grumpy as ever. I swear I hear her mutter through the half open window, "Why am I so pale? My skin is mozzarella. So unattractive…" followed by a sigh.

"Hey!" I snap, hitting the window, shaking Bella from her wallowing. "I know all your self pity is weighing you down enough as it is, but I think you could help Mom out by carrying some of this shit too."

Bella rolls her eyes at me. I brush some hair out of my face, "Bel, I don't like it either and this whole thing sucks but this is the last time we're gonna see Mom so put on your big girl panties and get out of the fucking car."

There's a pause as her brown morbid eyes challenge my dark blue ones, but I've pulled the big sister responsibility card and we both know it. She groans and opens the door like it's a chore.

"See there we go, Napolean Bonapout that wasn't so hard."

"Shut up, Joan of Snark." Bella replies as she drags one bag out of the car, making it look as though it weighs the equivalent of a small elephant.

"Hey don't let Mom and Dad hear you talking that sweetly to me, they'll begin to think you might've grown up for a change," I call over my shoulder as I make my way to the house. It's small and looks like Martha Stewart would cry over it, but it's not as bad as I thought it'd be. I make my way inside to find my parents having an awkward-off small talk battle, which stops abruptly as I walk into the tiny living room.

"Beca!" Dad says. He's gotten scruffier living in his man cave I guess, and he still has his police uniform on. "I haven't seen you in forever; you've grown up so much!"

"That's what happens when you take off and don't think to look over your shoulder at least once," I mutter under my breath. I think Mom hears a bit of it and throws me a warning glance.

"Let me show you to your room!" Dad says, being sickeningly cheery, like he's on a mission to make up for the past eleven years. I follow him up the creaky stairs and to the first room on the left. It's small and very plain (that's what she said?) and it's actually okay. There's a decent sized bookshelf, perfect for holding my vinyl in.

"I got some books for you," Dad says, noticing me looking at the bookshelf. "All the popular stuff."

I glance over the spines. "Dad. These are all paranormal teenage romance novels with the same recycled tired plot over and over again.

"The lady at the library selling them said they were all the rage!"

"If wearing crocs for every situation was all the rage would you wear them? Hell no."

"There's no crocs here Bec, they don't live in Washington, silly!"

I roll my eyes. "Wow, thanks Animal Planet for your infinite wisdom."

"Funny as ever," Dad says, awkwardly laughing. "I'll see how your sister's doing."

"Probably wallowing next to a rock saying they can't feel anything either so they'll connect real well," I say as I open the box containing my equipment. Dad gives a forced little laugh and is gone.

I dump all the books into a box but not before reading the titles and making fun of them. Especially the one series with all the lunar stuff for titles. I feel suddenly exhausted and I collapse onto my bed, waving my white flag for the day. I got my music stuff all organized and that's the main thing. I sigh and feel myself drifting to sleep already.

Tomorrow's gonna suck big time, I think as my eyelids begin to droop.

First day at FU.

F me.


End file.
